He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
