I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This baby is an asshole
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
