hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
