My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Barsexuality is the new black.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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