..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
