im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
