Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
