i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
