guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
