don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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