he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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