i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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