We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize