His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
