Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
