The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
