I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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