Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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