I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
