Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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