I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
