i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
