You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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