The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
