Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
