i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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