I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
