I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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