dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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