Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
