I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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