i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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