what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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