My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
