She is in my trunk
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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