I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
