She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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