You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
