You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
