I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
