does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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