tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
