i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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