She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
