I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
