Redeem this text for a blowjob
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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