So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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