No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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