He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize