im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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