I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
