He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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