remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do vagina's smell?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my shit smells like andre
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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