My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
