mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
