wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
