Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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