I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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