1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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