DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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