Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize