I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
