she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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