I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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