she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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