why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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