Old men and throwing up are my life now.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
