She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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