Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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