if i can run in heels then i can drive
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
