Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize