Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
