Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
