is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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