i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
