I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize