he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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