Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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